Tired of being "fat"

Here is a blog of thoughts that have been circulating in my mind for the past couple of days.  It is just time to get them out there so I can get them out of my mind.

I see pictures of myself and all I see is how big I look.  I see the extra fat in my face and how big my ass looks when it comes to pictures.   It is really disheartening because when I look in the mirror I don't see those things.  I see a girl who is really working out to make better life choices.  I just want that instant gratification - - skip to the end option that makes it to be where it only takes a couple of months and BOOM - - I'm skinny.

I've done the fad diets with quite a bit success but it's the in between where I gain half the weight back that I lost.  I really want to be under 190 and I have been struggling with that the past year.  I was really excited about getting under 200.  Now it's not good enough anymore.

I cut my hair completely off so I have NOTHING to hide my face.  I am completely exposed and to me you can see ever extra pound I shouldn't have.  Now don't get me wrong, I love my short hair.  I really really do.  It's forcing me to see how beautiful my face and eyes are.  I just see the extra flaws and just wish that they would disappear.

I see all this extra weight and I really have no excuse.  I gained a lot of my weight during college partying and eating poorly.  I haven't had any kids so I have no baby weight to lose.  My weight is a pure reflection of how I make BAD choices.  I get so disappointed in myself.  And I think in turn causes me to fail when it comes to weight loss and sticking to a healthy plan.  I just figure I"ll mess up eventually.

I have to break this worthless and pointless cycle.  This cluster fuck that has been such a huge impact on my entire existence.  I have been on a "diet" of some sort since the 5th grade and even got to the point of anorexia in high school.  Even then I hated the way I looked and I was way under my healthy weight.

I really just need to SHUT THE FUCK UP and FUCKING DO WHAT I NEED TO DO.    I have always been an action girl - - but lately I just know how to walk the walk and following through has been very difficult.

This is the only thing that I can control out the all the things that I want in my life.  I am really not sure why it is such a problem.