Facing the reality of not being pregnant was a top priority today. It may not have been a conscious priority but my subconscious had a different plan for me. When it comes to my coping mechanisms, I work like a dresser drawer. I shove any experiences that may have caused pain, turmoil and feeling of hopelessness into a drawer to never worry about it again. I guess I never truly have dealt with everything when it comes to our journey to baby. I guess it is now time.
I went to church this morning with my parents and my brother. I had originally decided I was going to back out because I was afraid of what the sermon might say. I knew that it would be a very powerful one that would probably open my drawers. The motivation to go was my brother because if he was going to be outside of his comfort zone to be there with mom then I should too. Jon stayed home which was totally fine. He wanted to watch his Man U win. I think I needed this time to just be with my family any way. It's hard to explain.
I sat down in between my mom and dad which normally isn't how it is. I am normally in between Jon and my brother. My dad sang in the choir which was an amazing thing to see in itself. Never would I have ever thought my dad would stand up in front of a filled auditorium to sing.
I had to fight tears at the very beginning when the first pastor came out to bless all the mothers in the church. Then they began to sing and I was able to give myself some time to compose myself. Then Pastor David started in on his sermon about Generosity. He said all the mothers out there have touched children's lives in a generous way - - not wanting anything in return - - just out of love. All it took was hearing that knowing that I do that on a daily basis through my work, and realizing that I had started wanting things in return, to make me start to ball. It wasn't a quiet kind of cry either, I was weeping. I laid my head on my DAD's shoulder and took about 5 minutes to get my composure again. My mom was comforting me by putting her hand on my knee. I haven't had both of my parents giving me comfort in YEARS. That was kind of big.
I was fine all the way through the rest of the sermon and really gained some insight on some things. Maybe I am just needing something to help me in the healing process and to let go of the drawer system. Maybe I'm just looking for a way to find some answers to questions that I can't possibly get the answers for. All I know is that today was very emotional - - not to mention AF showed up while at the service. The final deal that this attempt is finally done.
I spent the rest of the day w/ my family and it was really nice. It was a delicious meal and good conversation. I then concluded w/ some self reflection while planting some flowers.
It was a lot to take in. It'll be interesting to see what comes next.
Ahh this made me all teary eyed, I know u were crying and letting go of your hurts, but what a special moment with your parents. I would give anything to be comforted by my mother just one more time. You are such an inspiration to everyone, I think I have told u before that my mantra is Strength Through Adversity. You have it, immense strength. <3
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