Struggles/Heartache lead to Wisdom/Happiness

Some people don't realize that they are going through the same struggles as someone else.  When you are fixated on getting something you want and not getting it right away, it makes you feel isolated.  I never really had too many people to talk to that had gone through this very struggle.  I had a few wonderful ladies who were willing to listen to my banter and truly understand what I was going through.  However, I have had to go further than anyone I know when it comes to actually going through IVF to try to conceive.  It was very easy to go into a "woe as me" mentality because at the time I just didn't understand WHY I had to been chosen to go through all this heartache.  My eyes have been opened really that there is a reason for everything.  I was being shown something and it has helped me change my point of view when it comes to how I take on the world.  I have found that I have been the one hindering this process with my lack of faith and my stubbornness.  I defeated myself. AND I was the only one who could pick up the pieces and put them back together in a different way.

It was so easy to get sucked into the negative and the WTF moments when seeing others getting pregnant without any trouble.  Some of the people I judged and said that they didn't deserve what they had.  Did I really have the right to judge?  Absolutely not, did I care at the time that I was judging?  No, it made me feel better at the time.  I later learned that I only need to judge myself and fix whatever I feel needs to be fixed about myself.  In my opinion, some parents don't realize how good they actually have it because sometimes their kids weren't even planned.  Not saying all parents don't realize the blessings if they were not planned but I more or less focused in on the demographics of my current work situation.  So many kids have parents that are struggling to live at this point and it affects the kids tremendously.  Some are struggling to provide so their kids suffer the consequences.  It makes you want to take them out of their home and into yours to give them the opportunity to feel happiness before they are lost forever.  That's just not how the world works though.  All I know is that it isn't fair for the children, but I know my children will never have to go through that.   I can only do what I can at work to help them see some light.........

Nowadays, I have people who are struggling with the very thing I have/am to ask me for advice.  I have been able to do so with a clear conscious.  It has been very easy for me to relate and give advice that I wish I could have given myself years ago.  The biggest struggle for me was accepting that this was how it had to be.  It took me 5 years, 6 failed IUIs and a failed IVF to finally accept the fact that this is how it had to be.  I needed these doctors and I needed to believe in them.  I also needed to have faith that things were going to work out with time and patience.  I feel that right now with all the bitterness, anger, and frustration all gone, I've been able to be a better wife to my husband and am truly ready to be a mommy.

If life would have played out how it could have, I would not be where I am.  I probably would have struggled to make it through college and probably would have lost that opportunity to figure out who I wanted to be.  I would have just been a mother (which I would have made it work out) but I wouldn't have been able to provide like I can now.

When I was a kid, I had my plan.  My plan was to graduate high school, get married young, graduate college, have a family young and so on.  I'm still sticking to my plan, but once it had been shattered by the challenges and spurts of giving up, it's just taken time to put the pieces back together in the way it should be.  I had the big picture right...just the steps were out of order.

I see that now and I know that my time is very soon.  I transfer my last embryo in May.  It's time.   I am thankful for everything I've gone through and I am proud to say that I HAVE MADE IT!