Hope.

I'm trying to do more good things in hopes that God, a higher power, Karma or whatever helps with life will see my heart is so big and my love is so strong.   I count my blessings each day even when the times are rough.  I do my best not to dwell or become bitter because those things will interfere with my life goals.  It is so easy to get caught up in all the negativity when frustrated.  This week I let frustration get the best of me to where it almost defeated me.  It was over something petty really.  I just knew that I needed to end my day and go home to rest.  Today what I was frustrated about came with ease.  It's funny how that works.

I got the thought in my head tonight, "Man, if only I could get pregnant and have a child as easily as taking a doggy home to love."  Maybe if I keep on hoping and showing my faith a little at a time (it's a process for me) that I will soon have what I so ultimately want.  This has just been a long journey and I know that it was all part of my plan.  I've really worked hard on letting the need for control go and also not giving myself anxiety by not asking questions that will never be answered.  The ultimate one was "why didn't the IVF work?  We did everything right.  What did I do wrong?"  Talk about ripping my own heart out on a daily basis.

The amount of growing up that I have done since summer is almost double what I did all of 2009 to June of 2010.  Real lessons on how life isn't fair sometimes and having the ability to accept how things are and have hope to keep trying.  It's made me realize how much I DO have and how LUCKY I am to have what I have.  Finally,  I have been able to feel joy for people who are blessed with the very thing I want because I now know and accept that it was just their time for their magic moment.  I used to resent everyone who was able to be a baby factory. lol   My time is soon.

I am very proud of myself for how far I have come.   I am excited to see who I become......evolution baby :)