It has been an interesting past couple of days. My job is back in full swing with new experiences every day. I must say that I have been proud of who I have been as a teacher. I do have very high expectations though and I think my kids are going to take a little more time to get there - but I know they will get there.
On Tuesday, I had an appointment to get my knee checked out. It has been messed up ever since I fell roller skating back in May of 2009. That's what I get for trying to catch kids from falling. I landed right on the inner side of my knee cap. It was bruised, mushy, swollen, numb - you name it. I took some time to let it heal because I knew that I hit it pretty hard. I waited to go to the doctor - I think it was more out of fear of what they would find. I finally caved 6 months later and went to my primary care. They moved it around a bit, took an xray and gave me a disgusting steroid shot. They said that should take care of the pain for awhile and to just come back if I notice that it hasn't gotten any better. This whole thing put a damper on my working out because I like to work out hard. I had to buy a knee brace to wear any time I wanted to work out for extra support. In my mind, a HUGE inconvenience. I mean, how did I let myself become so weak? So many more months pass, I was doing more swimming than anything else over the summer. The swelling had gone down, no bruising of any kind.
Then I decided about a month ago when we found out we weren't pregnant to hit the gym hard. In my mind, the reason we didn't have this baby was because the baby didn't feel my body was the best home for it. I went to the gym 4 days in a row and did intense cardio and weight lifting. Did I wear my knee brace? Of course not! My knee had gotten better. Boy was I wrong. The bruising started to show back up and it just ached for a week afterward. It still kind of does.
I then decided that I couldn't go to the Y because I always push myself. There is this gym here called Just Ladies Fitness and they have toning tables which are very low impact and help with toning muscles. I have really enjoyed going - but wish that I could push myself just a little bit more.
I finally caved to go back to the doctor only for them to refer me to get an MRI and tell me that I need to lose 60 lbs at least. Talk about sticking a finger in an already bloody wound. The reason my knee started getting jacked up again was because I knew I needed to lose about 50 lbs before I wanted to try for the baby again. I had hit the ground running and my body is so out of shape that it can't keep up with my mind. I left there feeling defeated - stupid - fat - ugly - you name it. It was like, "thanks doc for telling someone who use to have an eating disorder that she needed to work on her weight and lose about 60 lbs". I was anorexic for my last 2 years of high school. (I know 10 years ago, but it was a huge part of me at that time) The weight I got down to wasn't extreme like some other cases but my hip bones did stick out..you could count my ribs etc. It's sad because the size I was then is only 20 lbs less than they want me to lose. I was only muscle - 120 lbs lean and mean. Mean being an understatement - I HATED how I looked and was NEVER small enough. Makes that whole development of self-esteem a difficult process. My parents at the time didn't help. My dad especially. When he is "helping" his daughter because the ultimate fighter - I HAD to make the weight...that's why I quit fighting. I couldn't take it anymore. I was done w/ the crash diets, the 40 hours of training a week, the fighting over food.
Needless to say, I am in search for a new primary care doctor. It's one thing to say hey - let's come up with a plan to help with your weight loss, but to say while filling out forms for an MRI - "how tall are you? and what is your weight? goodness you need to work on that!" DKFJE#$*($(#@))#R$* Thanks, bitch... I KNOW!!!
So, here I am more determined than ever because I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of not feeling in shape. I have changed my eating habits quite a bit - yes the last couple of weeks I was eating out a lot and drinking to cope with not being pregnant - but I am back on track now. Of course, the mutant germs that are flying around my work got ahold of me. I have had a cold for 2 days now and it is really frustrating when I want to work out and my nose is running so much that it interferes. I want to start the 30 day shred but know that my knee nor my chest would probably like it. I think I may try it any way - even if it's for 5 or 10 minutes.
I just haven't found what works for me. The last time I lost 50 lbs was because I took diet pills that were appetite suppressants. I lost 50 lbs in 4 months. I know I only did cardio once or twice a week but it was playing DDR for 4 or 5 hours on a Friday night or something. It wasn't like I frequented the gym or anything. I have gained back 20 of those 50 - but I lost that weight like 3 years ago.
I haven't seen the numbers 145 on a scale since I got married. My doctor wants me to be in the 135-145 range. "That's my healthy weight...especially if I'm wanting a healthy pregnancy." There is no way I can lose 60 lbs in 5 months. I want to try for this baby in January. I guess I could get close though if I really focus in on making my diet more protein based and figure out ways to work out.
IT'S JUST SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!! I always get spurts of motivation at the wrong times - I think my mind does it on purpose. BLAH.
No comments:
Post a Comment