Battle with the scale and my will power

To be completely honest, I loathe a scale.  When I was growing up and intensely training for Tae Kwon Do competitions, my weight was always the focus.  It was never a good thing to be at the bottom of a weight division because there were girls always bigger than me and I'd get kicked around like I was nothing.

I would train like it was my full time job (25-35 hours per week) along with school.  I did everything, cardio, weights, class, bleachers, medicine ball to the stomach,  bungi cord attached to my legs while I kicked, got beat up by the big guys at the school who made it to where crying was unacceptable, you name it.  It made me have quite the complex because I would train so much and I would still get in a weight bind.  I was on countless diets starting at age 10 til 18.  My goal was always to get in the weight class below where I was so I would be on top.  The summer after my sophomore year, I lost over 20 lbs in a month to make weight.  I had to work my ass off, but I did it.  I went from 165 to 144 - the protein power plan did wonders. 

It got to the point where my every move was watched at home.  If I had eaten something that was not on the plan and my dad found out, I would get in serious trouble.  I've talked with my parents about that years later and they said they did that because I wanted them to.  No, I never wanted them to make me feel guilty for eating.  My metabolism was going so fast that I was always hungry but never could eat because I didn't want to get into a fight with my dad.  I was very skinny, hip bones stuck out and all that - but all I could see was the fatness and the need to get the weight off.  145 was my ideal weight.  I think I wanted to get down to 110 or something ridiculous like that.  I felt sorry for any boyfriend I had in high school because my self image made me so insecure that I was easily angered and always seemed to hide. 

I got down to 135 by the time I met and started dating Jon.  It had gotten to the point where I would eat very small meals if anything at all during the day.  He would always have to ask me if I had eaten that day.  Usually I hadn't.  Needless to say, the longer I spent time with him, the more food I ate because he didn't make me feel guilty for it.    I also decided after my fight in KC in Oct. 2001 that I would be done with fighting and Tae Kwon Do for awhile.  It was the main source of all my ambitions about weight.  My right leg was all bruised up from constant impact to my shin - to this day it is still numb in places.  I've gone back to instruct, take a couple of classes and coach.  I disgust myself in the mirror though because I know what I use to look like and I don't look like that now.  However, I know that I am stronger than I once was because these legs have had to carry more weight around.  I've also been told I kick a lot harder than I once did.

As the years have gone on, that number on the scale has gone up quite a bit.  It use to bother me to where I would ball if I saw 165 because that was when I was considered fat at home.  Now I am a lot higher than that and it is now bothering me.  My body can't process alcohol, sugars and salts very well because they make me retain water.

Over this summer, my weight has fluctuated almost 10 lbs up and down.  Emotional eating/drinking have not been my friend at all, even with exercise.  As soon as I got it off, it seemed to creep back up.  That scale makes life so frustrating at times and I really wish I could just get rid of mine, but with my competitive nature, I must see the numbers and what direction they go. 

Starting tomorrow, my meal plan is put into place and is staying there forever.  This plan can be that way and I can even have some of the goodies like wine, sweets and things like that as long as I have that instead of something else.  It is portion control for sure.   My dad lost 80 lbs on this plan in about 6 months.  I know that I could lose up to 60 lbs in 6 months if I stayed completely dedicated and worked out like I am now.  I eat a lot of food on this plan and I lost 10 lbs in the month of June.  Now with all the crazy IVF stuff, I gained it back because my hormones and everything were all messed with.  

Another thing that will help is doing a lot more cardio than weight lifting at this time.  I will easily bulk up and that will not make the number look like I want it to on the scale.  I am lucky in the sense that once I find something that works that number will fall rapidly like my dad.  His body chemistry and my body chemistry are one in the same.  My metabolism can race if I find the right foods to do it.  I need to take advantage of that before it all changes. 

I have debated on waiting to try for the baby again until I'm down to 150.  That'd be 20 more lbs after these next 12 weeks are over.  I would guess I could be that small by Jan or Feb.  My deal is do I want to wait that long to try again?  It would be better for me in the long run because I'd be able to gain all the baby weight I would need and wouldn't have to fear getting diabetes or being put on bed rest.  Ultimately, it would just be 3 or 4 more months to wait from what we had originally planned.  I'll have to talk to Jon about it, but I know that he is just going to say for me to do whatever I want to do.  We will definitely have to take it one day at a time.