It's almost deja vu that I am writing another post called the Waiting Game. However, this time around, there is a different feeling when it comes to this wait. I am not dreading knowing the outcome. I am very hopeful. I'm actually very excited to get to May 5th which is only 1 week from today. It does make my heart rate speed up a little bit, butterflies..nerves...same thing!
There have been some moments where a negative thought has crossed my mind like, "what if Jon is giving me belly massages w/o anything being in there?" or "will I be able to keep my composure if I get the call while at work and it isn't a positive result?" I'm only human though. The disadvantage of conceiving in such a medical way is that I know the possibility of pregnancy is there before any other "normal" pregnant woman would. I already know that a fertilized egg was inserted into my uterus. I know that all it had to do is bury in and hatch its shell off. It makes the "wait" so much longer because I know I have something to look forward to. It's another test of patience and faith.
I also know that many of the "symptoms" that I do and could experience from now to next week could all be linked to the 6 mg of estrodial (estrogen) and 1 mg of progesterone (injection) that I get per day. So, these drugs are meant to make my body go through the motions of preparing for a baby. The only difference I've noticed from last time to this time is that I go through spurts of energy. I feel tired more often than energized no matter how early I've gone to bed. Last night, I went to bed at 9:00 pm which is an hour and half earlier than usual. I woke up twice in the night and once was to potty and once was because I had an awful vivid nightmare about being shot at and having to hide. Unfortunately, for those that have to work w/ me or be around me, my moods have been swinging like there is a 50s swing band playing constantly. I have found that a personal trigger is STUPIDITY. It has been a little bit harder to roll stupid things off my back. I usually snap out of it, notice I need to breathe and then logically explain what I was trying to rant about.
So, I really just have to be patient until I get my confirmation because I can't really read my body for signs. I don't really know what pregnant feels like any way besides what people have told me and what I've read. I am experiencing some of the typical symptoms but like I stated before, I am not sure if they are true symptoms or medically altered symptoms. I am really going to work on not letting it consume my every thought. I believe that is what killed me last time. I was to the point of tears because I knew in my gut/heart/mind that it hadn't worked due to the chaos that Dr. Tatpati had created with her lack of punctuality and horrid bedside manner.
This time around was filled with peace, love, laughter and hope. I have made connections more with my mind, body and soul more than I ever have before. I am peacefully waiting and not letting any worry invade my mind (besides the one or two that happen to slip in). Just have to keep pushin', hopin', prayin', lovin' and get to next Thursday.
No comments:
Post a Comment