I know that I have worked on not letting worry control my life. I have been trying to have faith that my life will work out how it is supposed to and will be great. It's really hard letting go of that control. The only control I have are through my choices....what paths I choose to go down. Have I been 100% good at making those choices...absolutely not...and I'm ok with that.
It makes me nervous to think that I will be leaving my security to move to Kansas City when it comes to the job front. There will be more budget cuts this year in the state of KS, I'm not sure about MO though. I don't want to leave my tenured position to start new and have something happen to where I lose my job. I just have to think positively though or the fear will make me not want to try. I can't let that happen. I will kick myself and be completely depressed if I let fear win.
I want to move to Kansas City for many reasons.
1. I love the city.
2. I have a great support system up there with people who are irreplacable.
3. There are more options for fertility specialists to maybe get another opinion on what we can do.
4. It's just time to experience something different.
Jon and I have talked about how if our last embryo works, then we will be content with just having one child and adopting the rest. What we have gone through so far just to hopefully have one kid has been so much. Reflecting, this time last year, I had decided that leaving my life wasn't the best choice. A week prior, I had thought that we weren't meant to be. I'm so grateful that something made me realize that would have been a huge mistake. We had quite the year from Nov. 09 to now. We went from almost divorcing to going through counseling to mending the broken pieces to becoming a strong unit once again to going through IVF to coping with the failure to realizing our next steps in our lives. It is what it is.
All I can do is take it one day at a time, enjoy that day since I will never have that time back, and patiently wait. At this point, we have been "waiting and trying" for 6 years. What's with adding a couple more months? We won't try our embryo until we are settled in Kansas City. We hope for September but if we have to wait a little longer than so be it. I can't resent this anymore. I can't let it make my heart heavy. I can't let this be the whole meaning of my life. It will happen...I just can't worry about it.
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