This week was full of tension, stress and emotions. I feel that I have handled myself pretty well but I think by the time yesterday got here, I was completely exhausted. So many things happening that are out of my control and I just wished that I didn't know anything about it.
I ended up breaking down last night before going to bed. I really needed someone to talk to and Jon had been sleeping since he got home from work. Apparently, he's been really drained as well. He's been in bed for 15 hours - I only woke him up for about an hour. I went off on tangents about how I was unhappy about certain things but as I reflect on that - I think it all comes back to one thing - the desire for a family. He didn't really know what to say to anything I expressed to him and that made me feel 10 times worse - like I had said something wrong. When I get going on my tangents, it's like word vomit w/o the filter. I really need to work on truly thinking about what I say before I say it - I know I hurt his feelings w/o meaning to.
I'm in a weird place right now. Life was supposed to be different. For so long, what got me through was knowing that I was going to be pregnant and be a mommy soon. Now that is not the main focus - with much sadness - I don't know what to do. I find myself resorting to old habits - like drinking and not taking care of myself like I should. I find myself having a hard time keeping my "love" tank full and it's not because Jon isn't doing what he can. I guess I just need more time to sort through my emotions when it comes to this unsuccessful IVF.
Another thing that I believe will help alot is that I will be around kids soon. This summer has been so stressful and it'll be nice to have their excitement around. I think it'll focus everyone back to where they should be focusing in the first place - the KIDS!
It'll all work out. I just hate feeling psycho sometimes. lol
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