Yesterday

Yesterday felt like out of body experience.  I would go through waves of crying, anger, not crying and not being angry.  This was the outcome that Jon and I feared the most, but sadly, I kind of knew that this is how it would be.  Transfer didn't feel right - it was almost like my uterus was so upset from my bladder anxiety that it just rejected my embryos or something. 

Jon and I tried to help how we felt - drank a mixed drink, 3 margaritas and a half a bottle of champagne each.  Keep in mind that I haven't had hard liquor since February and I remember now why it's been that long.  I am able to drink too much of it and then once I've passed my point of too much, I can't control my emotions.  I just didn't know what else to do to not focus on our big fat negative we got on our pregnancy test.  I regret it now because I was so exhausted and my stomach hurt so bad that I couldn't sleep worth a darn. 

All Jon and I can do is keep trying.  We can't stop until we are told that it isn't going to happen.  We do have one fighter left and now that I know how transfer goes - I'll be a little more prepared.  The shots are a piece of cake and I can make transfer be as well.  I'm going to give myself a 8-12 weeks to lose some weight.  After realizing that healthy weight gain during pregnancy is 30 lbs, I knew that it would put me at risk once I got to be around 8-9 months.  My little body can't hold almost 230 lbs!  My goal is to lose about 30 + lbs with diet and exercise.  This can be done!

Also, for my birthday, Jon and I are going to go on a mini vacation to Miami over labor day weekend.  Saturday-Monday.  It'll be so nice to have the sand between our toes and get to focus on us.  I know we don't have the money for it but sometimes it just has to be done.  We will pay it back.