Chaos in 2009 leads to Beauty in 2010

There has never been a time where I have been so thankful for a new year. The theme for 2009 seemed to be the Ultimate Challenge. It was one challenge to face after another. It seemed that there wasn't even time to recoup after defeating each challenge. It was like battling to the death without the ability to even breathe for 30 seconds in between.

A lot of the situations were out of our control - they just handed us the short end of the stick and we had to cope. There were many ongoing disappointments when it came to health and the pursuit of making a family. It started to cause tension between my husband and me. We started to separate...distance...resent. It was our own way of coping, but instead of coming together, we could barely stand to be around each other. Somehow, though, we were able to deal with it. We had our vices that kept us going...work to get lost in....etc etc etc.

However, the biggest hurdle was me facing the consequences of bad choices that were made in the previous years. The feeling of being completely exposed...having no more dirty laundry....everything that was so jammed tight into the mental closet was all out in the open.

The chaos of it all almost defeated us. It almost made us follow its path for the rest of our lives. It had been so easy to be consumed and overwhelmed. It made cutting and running seem easier than staying and fighting. In the end, we came together and decided that the chaos would not control us anymore. That we would fight....TOGETHER.

Out of all of this chaos, beauty has emerged. I have learned to forgive myself and move forward. I have never felt comfortable in my own skin until recently. Jon and I have learned new ways to communicate with each other. We have never felt so close. I fell back in love. <3 The future has never seemed so bright. I have decided to let go of all the things that have not given positive results. I'm letting go of select friends/people, scenes, drinking, grudges, low self-esteem and pessimism.

2009 almost defeated me. 2010 will not get the chance. It will be my bitch and I will get exactly what I want. I have never been so determined in all of my life.

I plan to keep this blog up to share my adventures, thoughts, achievements and etc. Even if no one reads it, it'll be good for me.